Well, it is a New Year and the same ole’ caca! I am very happy that 2008 has past; close that door, put a lock on it, and throw away the key. It was a pretty trying time for me; I did my best to stay positive. Sometimes I was able to deal with my problems with grace and dignity, and other times not so well. Let’s just say I discovered the joys of Lexapro, and my anger is in check… TODAY!
I guess the most major life change that I had no control over was the end of my relationship with my partner. It would be very easy to point fingers and place the blame on him, but I have to be honest and take some responsibility myself. While I am willing to own up to my short comings or unrealistic expectations of the relationship, my ex does not seem to believe he is at any fault. Although, in the end I both think we realized there was no real hope for us as a couple, but neither one of us wanted to admit that nor be the person to walk away first.
Honestly, it was a relationship that never should have occurred in the first place. There were just too many differences, and those differences were important red flags I choose to ignore. Now opposite viewpoints or differences in character in a partner can be good. The differences can broaden your horizons; change your perspective on issues or make for a more balanced partnership. But when it comes to your core beliefs, how to handle conflicts and crisis, or financial responsibility; being too different can be catastrophic. Such was the case with us.
Well, what is done is done, I can learn from my mistakes, but it is time to move on. I will not be shackled to the past or try to figure out what I could have done differently. All I know is, I have my wonderful babies, Tallulah and Beaux, good friends, a family I can count on, and a huge amount of bills. It is hard not to be bitter that when I entered this relationship, I owed no one anything, and now I owe more than 10 grand, not including my car. I got myself out of this mess once; I will get myself out again. I will just take it one day at a time.
I would like to pay off half my bills this year, but I turn 40 this year, and I am taking a trip. My mind, body and soul need it desperately. I am currently, trying to lose weight to strengthen my body and stay active. My goal is to learn portion control, and engage in some kind of physical activity for 30 minutes every day. Just like my finances, my weight will always fluctuate. I would like to learn this year how to be healthy, feel strong and fit, and be happy with my weight whether my waist is 30” or 48”. I am never going to be 100% satisfied with how I look in pictures, but instead of saying ‘God, I look huge!’, I wasn’t to be able to say, ‘Wow, I remember what fun we had that day.’ It would be a nice change. I am never going to be Pollyanna Sunshine, but I don’t have to be Oscar, the Grouch either.
It is funny; I know that a lot of bad things happened in 2008. Although looking back, all I really remember are my friends and family being there for me and the good times we had that year. I guess it was not so crappy afterwards.
I am really hoping this will be a great, wonderful New Year, but even if it sucks I want to be present, in the moment enjoying it, not rushing through it and then wondering what I have to show for 2009.