Friday, September 7, 2007

A Love Letter to Lindsay Lohan...

Dear Lindsay,

First I want to let you know that you have truly enriched and brought great joy into my life. All the hours of entertainment and conversation that have been inspired by your many performances…

The versatility you possess and the ability to assume any role is mind-boggling! Whether it be embracing Vanessa Minnillo while holding a kitchen knife and cigarette at her throat. Or striking another quasi-sexually violent pose, as the tip of the knife slowly enters your mouth. I am sure you spent many years of practice perfecting that movement. I bet you could do it blindfolded with no hands. Damn you are a chameleon!

The blasé privileged attitude that you wore like it was Chanel while entering a club under aged, yet balancing it with the hurt defiance the graced your face when questioned about it. And when I say questioned, this would be from the media, the general public and your fans. Funny how the police, club owners or your parasitic mother never questioned you or put you in check about it, like any other normal person that is suppose to care about your well-being, or hell, the law!

Your heartfelt attempts at recovery, the long hours spent shopping, roller-blading, going to the beach, doing whip it’s, and getting your grind on in the toilet stall in between chores. Hell, I use to get buck ass naked on the floor of a sex club, but I tell you what… I would sure as hell wear protective footwear before walking over any floor your delicate little hands have ever scrubbed. You probably left more foulness, than you ever picked up on the sponge.

Let us not forget the grace and perseverance shown while performing seamlessly, no matter what the encumbrance. It must have been hell when you ‘voluntarily’ chose to wear that alcohol monitoring device. ‘Look! Look, how heavy it is and the chafing I am getting. Ouchie! Poor me! Keep an eye on it; keep looking down, while I shove some more of Columbia’s finest up my snout!’

And lastly, the image of a responsible role model that you presented yourself as during your interview in May. You know, when you assure us that innocent people on the road were safe from your past antics, because I quote, ‘They're looking for me, to like trip, so they can be like, 'Oh Lindsay's wasted and driving drunk.' And that's not it. I wouldn't violate....I'm much more responsible than that.’ And then you were arrested on July 24th for… that’s right driving drunk among other things. By the way that was the day before my birthday, it was the best present you could have ever given me!! I am still trying to get the jizz stains out of my shorts!

Oh, you thought I was going to talk about your performances that you were paid for by my hard earned cash. Hell, no!!!
Honey, you go on and on about how you are some childhood phenomenon. Christ, you have only been in 12 major movies. Hell, I will even give you 15 roles since in 3 movies you played dual characters. We know, because you let us know over and over again… 'I played 2 roles in the Parent Trap, and one had a British accent.' Oh, well hell, let’s flipping re-name the Oscars after you. Welcome to the first annual Firecrotch Awards. Hey, guess what? Haley Mills, played those roles first. Granted, she did not do it with a British accent, but she did it first. Hell, all you did was follow a successful formula.

Now don’t get me wrong, you have talent and the ability to really shine, but a child phenomenon you are not. Jodie Foster, Tatum O’Neal , Shirley Temple, Elizabeth Taylor, Patty Duke, and the newest star who has already appeared in more films than you, Dakota Fanning. Young lady, those are child actors who are truly stars. I guess what really bothers me is that you have star potential, but you act like you are already the caliber of actors listed above. And you were going that way, until you started acting all crazy and above us mortals.

Honey, let me tell you something… you were just lucky to be born at the right time when notoriety takes on more value that talent. You did put out a few good movies, and then you became the paparazzo’s wet dream. They are the one’s who put you where you are, not your talent, and not your mother. You are not a star in the way you imagine yourself to be. You are simply notorious, and now it appears you are a liability.

I will give you that the movie you were set to appear in, ‘Poor Things’, had existing problems. But by all appearances, it was your antics and arrest that was the final nail in that coffin. And that was why that picture was finally shut down. Whether it is completely true or not, were may never know. But I do know that two amazingly talented and beautiful actors were going to be reunited on screen, Olympia Dukakis and Shirley MacLaine. Not anymore, and don’t fool yourself. You may have been given top billing, but THEY are who people were going to pay to see, not you. And now the rumor around Hollywood, if you listen to these silly gossip and blogs like mine is you are not hireble and undesirable. Even that you may never see top billing for quite a while. And that you are done as a professional actor, and have nothing to offer, but camp value.

So here is a little hint, hell, I will even spell it out for you. We don’t care, you have become irrelevant, a joke, a criminal, and the only good thing to come out of this: a warning to future stars of what too much pride and money with no humbleness will get you. So do us all a favor and simply go away for a while and knock your socks off. Because we know we are not going to see any real justice. You will serve no reasonable and appropriate amount of time in jail that any normal person would get. And we don’t give a flip about your ‘amazing’ talent, as you can tell from your last movie sales.
Because you are done. Any real interest in you is not to see can if you can rise to back to the top again. It will be for the same reason we slow down at a car wreck, rubbernecking on your spent career and life.

So relax , and give it up, go wild, hell, start shooting up. It is not like we could not find the marks from the mass of freckles that you are anyway. Go live in another country and smoke opium.
But as a fan, I only ask one thing … do us all a favor and use some of your money and call a cab or limo service. No one should die because you don’t give a shit about us. You know, your fans or any other person that shares space on this planet with you.

If I am lucky, in a few months, I will hear that in a drunken fit, you tripped, smashed your face smack into the pavement, which busted out all your teeth which you swallowed along with your lit cigarette causing your head blew off from the alcohol fumes.

But maybe if you are really lucky, you will get away from it all. Stay out of the lime-light you so crave, but then blame. Get some real help after you are done getting it all the partying out of your system. Start doing small, good independent films with thought provoking scripts. And hopefully you will do them not because it will guarantee you top billing, but that you give a crap about your acting, and this art we call film-making. Then maybe if you are lucky, you can pull a Robert Downey Jr., and prove that you can indeed act. That your name belongs in the same breath as the actors mentioned before. Then you can indeed show that you are a productive and valued member of society and worth of your fan's admiration.

Until then, go and F**K yourself, just try to not kill anyone in the process.




Blog Expert said...

Well put there, Steven!

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