Friday, August 24, 2007

First Blog Entry...

I find myself torn today. First off this is my first blog entry, EVER! And those who know me will tell you: If I have an opinion about anything I usually voice it, whether you want to hear it or not… So rather than telling them, (or should I say, in addition to telling them) I will start keeping a blog.
Most of this stuff is going to be silly ranting that will keep me from going up in some bell tower with a …
No, I will leave no incriminating evidence. And seriously, that was a joke, I would never, ever want to cause harm to an innocent, but now if you are guilty (in my eyes), you will probably find a rant about you on here, and that alone if you are lucky!

Ok, back to my first blog entry; I find myself torn as to what to write first. Not that there is a not a lot to chose from today (i.e. Lindsey Lohan gets one day of jail time; Nicole Richie serves 82 minutes in jail; Bush does… well, nothing)
No, my dilemma comes from the New Mother Teresa book titled: Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light.
I watched a clip about it last night, and then I went to to read the article. The piece I saw on television spoke of Mother Teresa’s doubts or personal struggles she had with her faith, heaven and even God, Himself in this new book. It seems, and again this is my opinion, that her faith in helping others as much as she could never wavered. It moved me greatly, and humbled me as well.
The struggle or dilemma comes not from this, but the fact that this book is actually a collection of personal letters between Mother Teresa and her confessors, superiors and peers for over 66 years. Now, let me give you a little background on these letters…
These were personal letters, even some confessionals about her spiritual journey, private thoughts expressed, and her emotional state of mind expresses to those she trusted. I can only assume she wrote these to do what many people do. Putting her thoughts down on paper to sort out where she was and where she is going. Or maybe just to vent in an effort to make clear or light the path for her to continue doing her great work. Some of these letters were preserved against her wishes, in fact she had requested that they be destroyed, but was overruled by the church. I italicize the word letter(s) because I don’t believe that is what they were, but an outpouring of her soul entrusted to the person that it was intended for.
That these letters have been made public, for a profit no doubt, greatly enrages me. In the name of God and His church, she followed her calling, and spread God’s love and acted as God’s hands. And after all the good she did and the faith she helped to restore in those disillusioned by the church, this is how she is protected and rewarded?!?!?
My own spiritual path has been a strenuous one. The doubts and struggles I have gone through are mine alone, to share or keep with those I choose or trust. I guess I took for granted how blessed I am that those expressions are respected and protected. It sadness me greatly, that for all the good she did, her feeling were completely disregarded and abused.
Yes, I would have loved to have read about this great woman, about her struggles and her fears, directly from her hand. About what the day felt like, when the light finally had finally shone through her dark winter. Even only to help me not feel so alone on my path, to be less critical when I don’t understand why certain things have happened or are happening in my life.
And I still want to know, from someone I believe lived in God’s daily presence, from someone I feel who was closer to Holiness than myself.
And that is the struggle, do I violate a great woman. Go against her wishes, read her most private thoughts, her fears and searching… Do I bargain with myself with what I know to be right against my selfish curiosity? Because really when you look at it, the end result will help light my path, to keep me feeling so alone in my own struggles. I could be a better person in the long run. Better equipped to help others…
But I know better, I really do.
Although I feel I would learn a lot and be comforted by her words, I will keep you money in my pocket, and my integrity intact. I can still look for the answers I seek, from those I love, the ones I admire, and yes, even from the One up above.
And hopefully, it will be enough for now, to complete my calling, whatever that may be…