Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Dear Tori,

Oh Tori, no, no, no… Just because they CAN PERFORM the procedure, does not mean you need to HAVE the procedure.
Honey, I love you, but when I first saw that picture, I thought ,’Are they making a Muppet’s movie using real people?’ Seriously, you look like Janis the guitar playing band member from The Muppet Show.
Tori, I love the fact that you don’t take yourself too seriously and can laugh at yourself. I am the same way, but there becomes a point when a joke can go too far. Stop before people stop laughing ‘with you’ and start laughing ‘at you’ .
So leave the 2 for 1 coupon from the local plastic surgeon in your purse; keep on driving past Fredrick’s of Hollywood and Claire’s Boutique and go home to spend some quality time with your hottie husband and adorable baby.
But if you absolutely have to work to pay the bills… take some unsolicited advice from a fan who has your best interests at heart. Fire your agent for getting you that Pussycat Dolls gig AND the stylist who put you in that outfit, then hunt down and burn every photo from that event. Afterwards stop and take a deep breath and start gearing up for whatever Lifetime Television movie that will soon be made based on a Ripped from the Headlines story. I am voting for either an out of control pop icon that either looses kids or an out of control starlet who has sex in the bathroom/makeshift meth lab while in rehab. Make it your own, work on your strengths. I have faith in you!
Because seriously, we all love you and want to laugh with you again… instead of, well… I think the picture says it all.

Friday, September 7, 2007

A Love Letter to Lindsay Lohan...

Dear Lindsay,

First I want to let you know that you have truly enriched and brought great joy into my life. All the hours of entertainment and conversation that have been inspired by your many performances…

The versatility you possess and the ability to assume any role is mind-boggling! Whether it be embracing Vanessa Minnillo while holding a kitchen knife and cigarette at her throat. Or striking another quasi-sexually violent pose, as the tip of the knife slowly enters your mouth. I am sure you spent many years of practice perfecting that movement. I bet you could do it blindfolded with no hands. Damn you are a chameleon!

The blasé privileged attitude that you wore like it was Chanel while entering a club under aged, yet balancing it with the hurt defiance the graced your face when questioned about it. And when I say questioned, this would be from the media, the general public and your fans. Funny how the police, club owners or your parasitic mother never questioned you or put you in check about it, like any other normal person that is suppose to care about your well-being, or hell, the law!

Your heartfelt attempts at recovery, the long hours spent shopping, roller-blading, going to the beach, doing whip it’s, and getting your grind on in the toilet stall in between chores. Hell, I use to get buck ass naked on the floor of a sex club, but I tell you what… I would sure as hell wear protective footwear before walking over any floor your delicate little hands have ever scrubbed. You probably left more foulness, than you ever picked up on the sponge.

Let us not forget the grace and perseverance shown while performing seamlessly, no matter what the encumbrance. It must have been hell when you ‘voluntarily’ chose to wear that alcohol monitoring device. ‘Look! Look, how heavy it is and the chafing I am getting. Ouchie! Poor me! Keep an eye on it; keep looking down, while I shove some more of Columbia’s finest up my snout!’

And lastly, the image of a responsible role model that you presented yourself as during your interview in May. You know, when you assure us that innocent people on the road were safe from your past antics, because I quote, ‘They're looking for me, to like trip, so they can be like, 'Oh Lindsay's wasted and driving drunk.' And that's not it. I wouldn't violate....I'm much more responsible than that.’ And then you were arrested on July 24th for… that’s right driving drunk among other things. By the way that was the day before my birthday, it was the best present you could have ever given me!! I am still trying to get the jizz stains out of my shorts!

Oh, you thought I was going to talk about your performances that you were paid for by my hard earned cash. Hell, no!!!
Honey, you go on and on about how you are some childhood phenomenon. Christ, you have only been in 12 major movies. Hell, I will even give you 15 roles since in 3 movies you played dual characters. We know, because you let us know over and over again… 'I played 2 roles in the Parent Trap, and one had a British accent.' Oh, well hell, let’s flipping re-name the Oscars after you. Welcome to the first annual Firecrotch Awards. Hey, guess what? Haley Mills, played those roles first. Granted, she did not do it with a British accent, but she did it first. Hell, all you did was follow a successful formula.

Now don’t get me wrong, you have talent and the ability to really shine, but a child phenomenon you are not. Jodie Foster, Tatum O’Neal , Shirley Temple, Elizabeth Taylor, Patty Duke, and the newest star who has already appeared in more films than you, Dakota Fanning. Young lady, those are child actors who are truly stars. I guess what really bothers me is that you have star potential, but you act like you are already the caliber of actors listed above. And you were going that way, until you started acting all crazy and above us mortals.

Honey, let me tell you something… you were just lucky to be born at the right time when notoriety takes on more value that talent. You did put out a few good movies, and then you became the paparazzo’s wet dream. They are the one’s who put you where you are, not your talent, and not your mother. You are not a star in the way you imagine yourself to be. You are simply notorious, and now it appears you are a liability.

I will give you that the movie you were set to appear in, ‘Poor Things’, had existing problems. But by all appearances, it was your antics and arrest that was the final nail in that coffin. And that was why that picture was finally shut down. Whether it is completely true or not, were may never know. But I do know that two amazingly talented and beautiful actors were going to be reunited on screen, Olympia Dukakis and Shirley MacLaine. Not anymore, and don’t fool yourself. You may have been given top billing, but THEY are who people were going to pay to see, not you. And now the rumor around Hollywood, if you listen to these silly gossip and blogs like mine is you are not hireble and undesirable. Even that you may never see top billing for quite a while. And that you are done as a professional actor, and have nothing to offer, but camp value.

So here is a little hint, hell, I will even spell it out for you. We don’t care, you have become irrelevant, a joke, a criminal, and the only good thing to come out of this: a warning to future stars of what too much pride and money with no humbleness will get you. So do us all a favor and simply go away for a while and knock your socks off. Because we know we are not going to see any real justice. You will serve no reasonable and appropriate amount of time in jail that any normal person would get. And we don’t give a flip about your ‘amazing’ talent, as you can tell from your last movie sales.
Because you are done. Any real interest in you is not to see can if you can rise to back to the top again. It will be for the same reason we slow down at a car wreck, rubbernecking on your spent career and life.

So relax , and give it up, go wild, hell, start shooting up. It is not like we could not find the marks from the mass of freckles that you are anyway. Go live in another country and smoke opium.
But as a fan, I only ask one thing … do us all a favor and use some of your money and call a cab or limo service. No one should die because you don’t give a shit about us. You know, your fans or any other person that shares space on this planet with you.

If I am lucky, in a few months, I will hear that in a drunken fit, you tripped, smashed your face smack into the pavement, which busted out all your teeth which you swallowed along with your lit cigarette causing your head blew off from the alcohol fumes.

But maybe if you are really lucky, you will get away from it all. Stay out of the lime-light you so crave, but then blame. Get some real help after you are done getting it all the partying out of your system. Start doing small, good independent films with thought provoking scripts. And hopefully you will do them not because it will guarantee you top billing, but that you give a crap about your acting, and this art we call film-making. Then maybe if you are lucky, you can pull a Robert Downey Jr., and prove that you can indeed act. That your name belongs in the same breath as the actors mentioned before. Then you can indeed show that you are a productive and valued member of society and worth of your fan's admiration.

Until then, go and F**K yourself, just try to not kill anyone in the process.



Friday, August 24, 2007

First Blog Entry...

I find myself torn today. First off this is my first blog entry, EVER! And those who know me will tell you: If I have an opinion about anything I usually voice it, whether you want to hear it or not… So rather than telling them, (or should I say, in addition to telling them) I will start keeping a blog.
Most of this stuff is going to be silly ranting that will keep me from going up in some bell tower with a …
No, I will leave no incriminating evidence. And seriously, that was a joke, I would never, ever want to cause harm to an innocent, but now if you are guilty (in my eyes), you will probably find a rant about you on here, and that alone if you are lucky!

Ok, back to my first blog entry; I find myself torn as to what to write first. Not that there is a not a lot to chose from today (i.e. Lindsey Lohan gets one day of jail time; Nicole Richie serves 82 minutes in jail; Bush does… well, nothing)
No, my dilemma comes from the New Mother Teresa book titled: Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light.
I watched a clip about it last night, and then I went to Time.com to read the article. The piece I saw on television spoke of Mother Teresa’s doubts or personal struggles she had with her faith, heaven and even God, Himself in this new book. It seems, and again this is my opinion, that her faith in helping others as much as she could never wavered. It moved me greatly, and humbled me as well.
The struggle or dilemma comes not from this, but the fact that this book is actually a collection of personal letters between Mother Teresa and her confessors, superiors and peers for over 66 years. Now, let me give you a little background on these letters…
These were personal letters, even some confessionals about her spiritual journey, private thoughts expressed, and her emotional state of mind expresses to those she trusted. I can only assume she wrote these to do what many people do. Putting her thoughts down on paper to sort out where she was and where she is going. Or maybe just to vent in an effort to make clear or light the path for her to continue doing her great work. Some of these letters were preserved against her wishes, in fact she had requested that they be destroyed, but was overruled by the church. I italicize the word letter(s) because I don’t believe that is what they were, but an outpouring of her soul entrusted to the person that it was intended for.
That these letters have been made public, for a profit no doubt, greatly enrages me. In the name of God and His church, she followed her calling, and spread God’s love and acted as God’s hands. And after all the good she did and the faith she helped to restore in those disillusioned by the church, this is how she is protected and rewarded?!?!?
My own spiritual path has been a strenuous one. The doubts and struggles I have gone through are mine alone, to share or keep with those I choose or trust. I guess I took for granted how blessed I am that those expressions are respected and protected. It sadness me greatly, that for all the good she did, her feeling were completely disregarded and abused.
Yes, I would have loved to have read about this great woman, about her struggles and her fears, directly from her hand. About what the day felt like, when the light finally had finally shone through her dark winter. Even only to help me not feel so alone on my path, to be less critical when I don’t understand why certain things have happened or are happening in my life.
And I still want to know, from someone I believe lived in God’s daily presence, from someone I feel who was closer to Holiness than myself.
And that is the struggle, do I violate a great woman. Go against her wishes, read her most private thoughts, her fears and searching… Do I bargain with myself with what I know to be right against my selfish curiosity? Because really when you look at it, the end result will help light my path, to keep me feeling so alone in my own struggles. I could be a better person in the long run. Better equipped to help others…
But I know better, I really do.
Although I feel I would learn a lot and be comforted by her words, I will keep you money in my pocket, and my integrity intact. I can still look for the answers I seek, from those I love, the ones I admire, and yes, even from the One up above.
And hopefully, it will be enough for now, to complete my calling, whatever that may be…